Acts of Attrition
by MegasaurusRex101
Summary: Elliot goes to confession, about sins regarding William Lewis. Set post-Save Benson.


**Elliot confesses his sins regarding William Lewis. Set post Save Benson**

* * *

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned, it has been two months since my last confession. These are my sins . . . " Elliot pauses in the small dark room, his heart beating loudly and the soft rasp of his breath hitting his folded hands.

The priest on the other side of the screen waits patiently for him to continue but there is a lump in his throat now and he can do little more than open and close his mouth.

"Father, I am not sorry for my sins at all." He takes a deep breath but continues, his brows knitting together. "Father I have commit murder," the words are whispered sin, heavy on his tongue. Part of him expects to be surrounded by sirens and pointed guns as soon as the words leave his mouth, but the church is empty but for the priest, the confessor and the guilt.

"Go on, my son," the Priest says, and Elliot is surprised at the voice, deep and unmoved; it reminds him of his old Captain in its steel and warmth and fatigue.

"There was a man, he hurt someone," he draws his breath deeply, "He hurt someone I care about. He was a rapist and a murderer and . . . Father I've seen a lot of bad men in my life but he is the worst of them all."

"And he got away with it, he got away with so much. He was given so many chances and it finally led to . . . Father he attacked my friend. He beat her, he kidnapped her, God knows what he did to her. I . . . " He takes a gulp of air and then he feels it, the rush of indignation, the warm breath of righteousness that floods his senses, "There was a man who owed me a favor, from long ago, he was with him in prison while this murderer was waiting trial. He killed him, he killed him for me. He had access and he owed me a favor and I asked him to kill this murderer monster."

Elliot's hands are almost fisted against one another and he can feel sweat on his back but his heartbeat is steady now and he squints at the screen divider and almost smiles.

"But my sin, is that I don't feel guilty." He lets his gaze rest where he knows the priest is, "I would do it again. I would stop this man any way I could, to keep him from harming anyone else." He pauses again and in the space between words he feels the tears begin. Huge wracking sobs filling his body and it seems as though the entirety of his anger and fear and hatred were weighed upon him.

"I am sorry for these sins and all the sins I can't remember," he chokes out between heaving breaths.

After a great length during which Elliot regains his breath the priest's voice crosses to him, "You have destroyed God's creation, the sorrow of that mortal sin may rest heavily on you, my child."

"But Paul, in his letters to Timothy speaks very clearly about defending one's family," the Father paused, almost as though regretting his words, "The way of the wicked is brought to ruin," he finally added a deep sigh escaping him. "Perhaps your sin is not the desire to rid the earth of this man, but rather to circumvent the Lord's ways."

Elliot paused a moment, nothing the priest was saying was making sense, he'd expected a strong rebuke, he'd expected penance for days, he'd expected to be stoned at the altar.

"I don't understand, Father."

The wooden seat beneath him groaned at the weight as he shifted in his seat. "Vengeance belongs to the Lord, but you would not wait on that, the sin, where all sin begins is in not trusting in the Lord."

"He was a murderer and a rapist-"

"Do you think the hell he will endure is not worse than any act he could commit here on earth? Do you know if he could have been brought himself to repentance? You know nothing of a man's soul, but your own."

Elliot could feel renewed rage well inside him and bit out, "It's done and it's over and he's cold in the ground, I cannot undo that, Father."

"So you want your penance, child? Penance for your act of attrition?"

Elliot bit his tongue to keep from spewing out more excuses until he felt himself deflate beneath the words. "The sin of attrition." The words tasted foul in his mouth. "My sin of attrition."

"Prayer. Twenty minutes of prayer every day."

Elliot's breath left him in a slow rush of incredulity, "That's it?"

"Twenty minutes of prayer for this tortured soul every day and twenty minutes for all victims of murder."

"You want me to pray for him," his shout echoed against the wood and came back to him like a slap in the face.

"You turned him into a victim, as if you'd done it with your own hands."

"And how long shall I go about my penance Father?"

"Until you admit your crimes to the proper authorities."

"That will never happen."

"Then you will never be truly absolved." The priest's voice grew heavy once more beneath the weight of knowledge he carried. "You want forgiveness from the Holy Father? If you want forgiveness then you must repent."

"Yes, Father," he grit out.

"Your soul is a great price to pay for this man, if he is as vile as you say."

"I'm not paying for him." Elliot's voice softened, the anger and rage expelling from him until the burden settled back on his shoulders, "I didn't protect her Father, he hurt her, he-" Elliot paused, "I can't regret my actions when I know they brought her relief."

"You would pay your soul to bring her relief?"  
"Yes," the answer flew from his mouth before he could properly analyze it.

"Is there anything else you need to confess, my son?"

Elliot felt his heart thunder in his chest before saying, "One sin for today, Father." And began to recite the Act of Contrition.

* * *

_AN: I apologize for all factual errors regarding Catholic Confession, I did do a fair amount of research but for the purposes of fiction some responses have been exaggerated. That being said, don't murder people, it will damage your soul. _


End file.
